Hoard
Buy-now-pay-later for rodents

Buy now.
Hoard later.

Hoard splits any purchase into four payments and quietly amortizes the rest across your hamster's remaining lifespan.

Check your hamster's rate See how it works

No interest. No paperwork your hamster can read. Approval subject to cheek-pouch capacity.

Deluxe Silent Wheel $48.00

Split into 4 payments, every 4 sleeps

1 Due todayat checkout $12.00
2 Jul 3auto-draft on waking $12.00
3 Jul 15auto-draft on waking $12.00
4 Jul 27if still applicable $12.00
HoardScore
742

How Hoard works

Underwriting built around how a hamster actually lives.

Three models run on every account. None of them have been explained to the borrower.

Cheek-pouch underwriting

We set credit limits by measuring how much your hamster can physically carry at once. Two full pouches, two thousand dollars. The model is non-negotiable and faintly impressed.

Your live HoardScore

A creditworthiness score from 0 to 850 that rewards wheel mileage and penalizes naps. Most hamsters sleep through their best rate, and we are not able to wake them on their behalf.

Lifespan amortization

Every purchase spreads across your hamster's projected remaining months, recalculated each night you confirm the borrower is still with us. Miss a confirmation and the balance accelerates.

Borrowers

The colony has reviews.

Quotes collected from active accounts. None were compensated, because none can be.

"I financed a second wheel before I had paid off the first. At no point was I stopped."
Portrait of Biscuit, a golden Syrian hamster
Biscuit
Syrian Hamster, Series A Borrower
"My HoardScore fell forty points during a long nap. I am formally disputing the methodology."
Portrait of Sir Reginald Pellingsworth III, a Roborovski dwarf hamster
Sir Reginald Pellingsworth III
Roborovski Dwarf, Two-Time Defaulter
"They approved my habitat expansion in under four seconds. I have not read the terms and I will not be reading them."
Portrait of Noodle, a Winter White dwarf hamster
Noodle
Winter White, Joint Account Holder

Plans

Pick a plan your hamster has not consented to.

Pellet
$0/mo
For the occasional borrower.
  • One active installment plan
  • Soft credit pull, soft animal
  • An email the moment a payment is missed
Most selected
Burrow
$12/mo
Our most-selected tier.
  • Unlimited concurrent plans
  • HoardScore boosts up to 40 points
  • Dispute resolution mediated between you and the hamster
Whole Colony
$290/mo
For operators with a cage system.
  • Underwrite up to 24 hamsters at once
  • Cross-collateralized cage equity
  • A dedicated account manager who has met a hamster

Run a real checkout.

Build a cart, watch the four payments recompute, and approve a plan on a borrower's behalf.

Open the demo