Station 01 · 5:15 AM AEST
Live Dawn Ascents
Certified climb instructors broadcast live from Brisbane at 5:15 AM, the statistical midpoint of the average koala's sleep block. Classes run daily regardless of attendance. Attendance is currently zero.
Connected climbing · est. 2026 · Brisbane / Palo Alto
Perch is the connected climbing platform for koalas: live instructor-led ascents, real-time output tracking, and a community that honors the 20-hour recovery window.
The program
Most fitness platforms assume the member is awake. We didn't want to assume anything.
Station 01 · 5:15 AM AEST
Certified climb instructors broadcast live from Brisbane at 5:15 AM, the statistical midpoint of the average koala's sleep block. Classes run daily regardless of attendance. Attendance is currently zero.
Station 02 · Telemetry
One number that reconciles calories burned against eucalyptus consumed. No koala has recorded a positive Output Score since launch. Internally, we call this headroom.
Station 03 · Retention
Sleeping within 40 meters of the Trunk counts as a completed workout. Member streaks average 141 days. Retention is 100%. Engagement is a different metric, tracked by a different team.
Figures audited quarterly. Engagement figures available on request. Requests are declined.
Membership
Every tier includes the full class library, streak protection, and the quiet certainty that none of it will be used.
Joey
$39/mo
For the koala starting out. Or not starting.
Most popular
Marsupial+
$119/mo
Our most popular tier among the humans paying for it.
Apex Canopy
$499/mo
For households that are serious about this.
The community
Gumnut hasn't attended a class in six months and her streak is intact. I've stopped asking how.
The leaderboard ranks Warra 4,201st out of 4,201. He seems genuinely at peace with it.
We upgraded to Apex Canopy. He now ignores two Trunks. The second one was $499.
It has waited 25 million years. Perch will be there when he's ready, billing monthly in the meantime.