Notice to Mariners · Vol. 88 · Courtship Edition
Keel matches herring gulls on verified territory, call spectrogram, and documented theft history. The pier is crowded. Your standards shouldn't be.
Verification takes one tide cycle. Bring a witness.
Other platforms ask a gull to describe itself. Keel measures it, files it, and publishes the result to every eligible bird within one nautical mile.
Every profile is pinned to one verified perch. We cross-reference municipal boardwalk records and tide schedules so nobody claims a dumpster they can't hold.
False perch claims are referred to the crows.
Upload eight seconds of screaming. A 40-band acoustic model finds the gull whose scream completes yours.
Volume is not a personality. It is, however, scored.
Self-reported fry seizures don't count here. Every sandwich acquisition is timestamped and attested by two unrelated witness gulls.
Witnesses must not share a nest with the claimant.
I held the north railing of Pier 39 alone for six years. Keel matched me with a female whose long-call peaks at 104 decibels. We have four eggs.
Log 0611 · Verified pairing
The theft ledger changed how I vet providers. Talk is cheap. Attested sandwich acquisitions are not.
Log 0798 · Verified pairing
We matched at the start of chip season. Everyone said it wouldn't hold. We closed on a chimney in March.
Log 0841 · Verified pairing
For gulls still eating what they're given.
You take what you want. Take this too.
Total pier awareness.
One screen of the product, populated with gulls currently listed on the registry.