Form CL-2009 · Offering circular
Closure is a regulated exchange for positions you opened in high school and never closed. Deposit the memories. Watch the chart. Do not text them.
CUSTODY IS PERMANENT. SO WAS THE FEELING.
Certificate of Unresolved Position
ONE (1) UNRESOLVED POSITION
Payable to bearer, eventually
Article II · Custody of memories
Every position is held one-to-one, marked to sentiment nightly, and reviewed by a compliance department that has stopped asking questions.
One ticker tracking your high school sweetheart's publicly visible life trajectory: the promotion, the lake house, the boat. Updated nightly from sources they forgot were public. Our most-checked chart, by a margin our analysts describe as concerning.
Prom photos, ticket stubs, and the mix CD from 2007, hashed and vaulted in a facility in rural Nevada. Retrieval takes six to eight weeks and a notarized statement explaining what, exactly, you plan to do with them.
Lock your what-ifs for twenty-five years and earn 4.1% APY, compounded on anniversaries. Early withdrawal is permitted once per decade and triggers a courtesy call to your mother.
4.1% APY · COMPOUNDED ON ANNIVERSARIESArticle IV · Sworn statements
Statements collected at deposition. Portraits engraved from yearbook reference at the account holder's expense.
“I dollar-cost averaged into acceptance over fourteen months. My cost basis on Derek is now zero.”
Melissa Grantham
Regional Claims Adjuster; Homecoming Committee Treasurer, 2004
Sworn · Exhibit A
“It locked my Sell button at 11:04 on a Friday night. That feature alone pays for itself.”
Doug Pfeiffer
Assistant Principal, married very happily, thanks for asking
Sworn · Exhibit B
“I staked my what-ifs at 4.1%. My therapist says that isn't closure. My quarterly statement says otherwise.”
Priya Raghunathan
Senior Procurement Analyst; two-time reunion no-show
Sworn · Exhibit C
Article VII · Schedule of fees
All plans include nightly marks to sentiment and a strict no-contact execution policy. Fees are non-refundable, like the years.
For people who are fine.
$0
For people who bring it up at dinner parties, unprompted.
$34/mo
For people who married someone wonderful and would like that notarized.
$499/mo
Exhibit D · The terminal
The Closure terminal renders one account holder's SWTH chart, ledger, and staked regret in real time. The Sell button is present for regulatory reasons.
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